GoGoPance

vaya con pance

and another thing March 30, 2011

Filed under: Uncategorized — gogopance @ 4:38 pm

Regarding the TV – a.k.a my new small child who has started to beep at me when I push the wrong combination of buttons (parenthood is hard)…

At work I was recently reassigned the Technology content to manage and monetize (Engadget.com, etc). I think AOL has officially gone bonkers. Me? Technology? Do they not know my [flip] cell phone is from 2007? That I roll my eyes at anything with an “i” in front of it? That I want to throw all touchscreen functionality across the room because it makes my fingers feel fat?

I guess not. But when folks ask, I’m not shy (shocker):

“Technology! Can you believe that?! ME! El OH El, people! I mean, I would live naked in a cabin and eat nuts and berries for the rest of my life if I could!”

But let’s be real. As much as I cry hippie, I’m pretty much just a crunchy hypocrite. I’m always cold, so living naked just wouldn’t work. I dig nuts, but berries scare me  (“Into the Wild” anyone?). Cabins are cool, but only in the Spring or Fall and with plumbing.

So even though the TV is haunting me in an I’m-killing-the-earth sort of way, I will try to embrace it. I will make a concerted effort to turn it on again. Maybe I will just buy a DVD of woods or waterfalls or something. Forty inches of crystal clear, high definition nature. At that size I bet I can tell what berries are a no-no.

 

i’m scared of my tv March 29, 2011

Filed under: Uncategorized — gogopance @ 9:40 am

My embarrassingly unnecessary, shamefully indulgent technology purchase arrived last Saturday. A 40″ LED Flat Screen TV (1080p, 120Hz, lions, tigers, bears). I gave the delivery guy a wink (and a tip) to bring it up to my apartment, not wanting to risk the drag-it-up-the-stairs method I usually employ. I bought it because I really only turn on TV to watch movies, so this is my attempt to bring that theater feel to me.

Sigh. I know. Still ridiculous.

I imagine it might be like what first-time parents go through when they bring the baby home from the hospital = prop it up in the living room and gawk at it with a combination of fascination and fear, all the while thinking, “Now what? Now what? Now what?”

The people are so big. And… big. They look at me like they’re gonna pop out of the screen and join my life. Should I start having an extra bottle of wine handy at all times?

I watched it for a while this weekend while I piddled. But when I found myself in a trance-like stare every time I passed by, I knew it was time to turn it off… before I was irreversibly possessed by The Big People.

I texted my friend,

“YAY! New TV!”

“Awesome! What are you watching?”

“Watching? Noooo. I’m reading my book.”

(TV Lady says, “I’ll have some Pinot Noir. Thanks.”)

 

deal me out March 23, 2011

Filed under: Uncategorized — gogopance @ 5:22 pm

Boys and girls, today’s lesson is the following (and I quote directly from the box):

“How to successfully deal with the whiners, grenades, tanks, snipers, indecisive ‘maybe’ people, unreliable ‘yes’ people, inscrutable ‘nothing’ people, know-it-alls, think-they-know-it-alls and more!”

Hot damn! FINALLY!

However, I think it should read, “How to use grenades, tanks and snipers to successfully eliminate whiners, know-it-alls…. etc.”

As a rule I kinda think whiners are the worst. If you simply need to vent, then that’s fine. That’s different. Because venting, when prefaced as such, is at least recognizing you are about to unleash irrelevant, tangential vomit. Asking first if you can “just vent for a sec” also affirms that you don’t expect any [quite stellar] life advice from yours truly. And I’m OK with this.

But if it’s more like a rousing chorus of “poorme poorme poorme poorme,” followed by a silence I’m expected to fill with a commiserating “pooryou pooryou pooryou pooryou,” I will tune out and dismiss your plight entirely. We all have better things to do with our time, like maybe working to remedy what pooryou’ed to begin with. Or listening to self-help box sets found in the pile of discarded freebies at work.

 

long live the 70s March 18, 2011

Filed under: Uncategorized — gogopance @ 11:10 am

Glory, glory hallelujah! Today’s temperatures will bust through the 40s… the 50s… the 60s… my-oh-my how much higher you ask? It’s only mid March! Aren’t we due for one of those blizzards that smack you on the ass as you’re running toward spring? Today’s forecast is calling for a high of 73. Sweet birds-a-chirpin’ thank you.

So what does that mean to girl who still has to be chained to a window-less corporate cube for 8+ hours today? It means… I commuted to work by bike. The first ride of the season. Bugs, teeth. Wind, hair. Pedal and metal and all that stuff. Dust off Skinny B and gogoPance. And damn did it feel good to watch the subway squeak by me on the left. Trapped suckas.

 

boo boo March 11, 2011

Filed under: Uncategorized — gogopance @ 6:04 pm

City Dweller Conundrum #532 =  I don’t have enough counter space in the kitchen to have all of my appliances out at all times. So when I need the toaster I bring out the toaster, toast some toast, then store it up again. When I need the G. Foreman… I bring it out, grill me up some yums and then re-shelve. When I make coffee… I bring out my mini 4-cup percolator, get my fix, wash it out then place it back in the cabinet above my stove.

Last night as I’m putting the Mr. Coffee away the glass carafe slips, comes a’tumblin back down and smacks me right on the bridge of my nose. Ouchy.

Now since I have a noticeable facial abrasion – mooole – I feel compelled to call special attention to it – moooooole – because people will be staring at it ANYway – mmmmooooole – so all day I’ve started every face time conversation with:

“HI! [point to nose] My coffee pot attacked me last night.” Mooooooooley moley moley moley.

 

homelessville March 7, 2011

Filed under: Uncategorized — gogopance @ 2:25 pm

I left the office around Noon today to pick up some birthday cards and grab a quick soup somewhere for lunch. As I approached Duane Reade (drugstore) for the card portion of my errands a homeless guy working his beat solicits my goodwill.

“Can you buy me something for lunch?”

I ignore him, as any well-trained New Yorker would, and turn to enter the store. Then he sends a late-breaking caveat my way…

“But NOT from Duane Reade!”

Ummmm…

OK, A… Mr. Homeless Guy, I never agreed to buy you anything for lunch in the first place and B… I guess no one ever relayed the “beggars can’t be choosers” rule-of-thumb to you.

I briefly considered buying him some OTC appetite suppressants instead, but I left the store via the back door and went down the side street to get my soup.

Perhaps if he started targeting hot pop stars dressed like food his efforts would yield more, well, soup.

 

cough cough March 4, 2011

Filed under: Uncategorized — gogopance @ 9:59 am

I don’t think I’ll be feeling so well at the end of April. I best work from home. Especially if there will be bears on rainbow bikes.